The Curious Engineer

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bookbear express

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Essays / personal

’19’20’21’22’23’24’25’26
Posts
434 from 12 Dec 2019 to 28 Oct 2026
Posting
weekly (50 in the last year)
Kind
personal blog
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2026 43

  1. important green flags in other humans
  2. best practices
  3. living to know
  4. how to solve your problems
  5. trading off
  6. Bookbear Local 9/20/26
  7. what unclenching feels like for me
  8. normalcy
  9. some things I’ve learned about relationships
  10. some quotes
  11. going fast and slow
  12. bridging the gap
  13. notes on the brothers karamazov
  14. no two things the same
  15. safe and alive
  16. we were girls together
  17. taiwan travelogue
  18. Easy
  19. "no such thing as the world becoming an easy place to save your soul in"
  20. sometimes you get stuck in a sinkhole for a few years
  21. late nights in the middle of june
  22. Beyond optimization
  23. kinks in other people
  24. what's your favorite summer book?
  25. how much directness is too much?
  26. integration
  27. Desire
  28. actually, I do have the will
  29. Bookbear Local 4/27/26
  30. some things I've learned about dealing with people
  31. Bookbear Local: 4/20/26
  32. Bookbear Local: 4/14/26
  33. personal failings
  34. solving my problems
  35. conflict is the art of checking underneath the rocks
  36. chemistry, compatibility, capacity
  37. all the way to the bottom
  38. cohesion
  39. self-knowledge
  40. the disorientation of freedom
  41. how to trust yourself
  42. how to help someone change without going crazy
  43. nothing will change your life more than saying what you actually want to say

2025 55

  1. Friendship maintenance
  2. bookbear express 2025 gift guide
  3. Is friendship romantic?
  4. the point of it all
  5. How do I meet more people I like?
  6. Autumn poem
  7. Chapter 2: prioritize your favorite people
  8. honesty in relationships
  9. Radical fun
  10. I love the bay area
  11. the art of getting laid: a review of the game, 20 years later
  12. everything’s okay if you’re still having fun
  13. already free
  14. the opposite of depression
  15. why can't I talk to you the way I want to?
  16. passive obsession
  17. what secure attachment could do for you
  18. Sense and Sensibility: on choosing men
  19. the life-changing magic of being direct
  20. affinity
  21. I have free will?
  22. growing together
  23. summer break
  24. dialectical damage
  25. first days of summer
  26. clothes store memories
  27. who do you go to for advice?
  28. being oblique
  29. up, down, through
  30. seeing that saves
  31. Dear Bear: on the far side of fear is surrender
  32. always on your side
  33. Grace
  34. Dear Bear: do you feel doubts about your unconventional career path?
  35. present tense
  36. Dear Bear: how do I get over someone I thought was perfect for me? + what do I do if my friend is "too picky"?
  37. I didn't text you back because I was trying to find you a date
  38. life design
  39. matchmaking is open
  40. a supposedly fun thing I'll probably do again
  41. How They Made It: Todd and Elaine of Dandelion Chocolate on work and marriage
  42. Dear Bear: how to get over a crush, ex-friends at a wedding, and conflict
  43. no exit
  44. How they made it: The Molehill's Viv Chen on career transitions and fashion writing
  45. what makes for good first date? and other questions
  46. relationship puzzles
  47. worldbuilding
  48. some thoughts on friendship
  49. on one-sidedness
  50. giving up being the chill girl
  51. dissolution
  52. matchmaking is open + what I've been reading
  53. sorry, I forgot to add the matchmaking link
  54. dating is hard... what are we going to do about it?
  55. the wince

2024 74

  1. some things I learned about love this year
  2. a peek at the Bookbear Express hive mind
  3. how to be happy in san francisco
  4. too much is never enough
  5. some things I learned this year about love and work
  6. december
  7. thanksgiving subscription sale + classifieds + reflections on my favorite book
  8. Frames
  9. the last time you fell in love
  10. what we talk about when we talk about taste
  11. your stories of friendship breakups
  12. do we ever get over things?
  13. tension and flow
  14. letter from tokyo
  15. am I a real Chinese person?
  16. 28 things I’ve learned
  17. against brute forcing
  18. two couples that have met through Bookbear Matchmaking :)
  19. the essence of love is... annoyance?
  20. the true shape of a thing
  21. uncertainty: part 1
  22. compatibility/matchmaking round 2
  23. writer's block
  24. friends shape your identity
  25. What is partnership for?
  26. actually, everyone's life is weird
  27. some quick updates for paid subscribers
  28. it's okay to care too much
  29. one weird relationship tip
  30. entry points
  31. how to stay in your body
  32. state of the union: who pays on dates?
  33. why you should write more
  34. things hold memories!!
  35. pandemonium at bookbear station
  36. a blog is a space for dreaming
  37. consuming the girl
  38. the best way to please is not to please
  39. written in the body
  40. Talking about friendship with Leandra Medine Cohen
  41. some quick thoughts on tripping, five years later
  42. is app-based dating ruining everything?
  43. the importance of picking your neighborhood
  44. other people can help us change our defaults
  45. looking for rejection
  46. "it requires a long performance and there is nothing, by definition, between the acts"
  47. Talking about friendship with Heather Havrilesky
  48. some thoughts on conflict
  49. the friendship theory of everything
  50. can you enjoy the thing?
  51. the pros and cons of trying to change someone
  52. trying new things
  53. bookbear express in person
  54. how to avoid anxious procrastination
  55. some thoughts on substack
  56. dear bear: how do I handle a friendship breakup?
  57. what can we expect from friendship?
  58. what's up with modern love?
  59. dear bear: I take dating more seriously than my peers
  60. dear bear: the secretary problem
  61. dear bear: I want to have more epiphanies
  62. self-abandonment
  63. alive vs dead obligations
  64. confidence
  65. reading/writing: how to herd your attention
  66. making things is hard
  67. reading / writing
  68. digital history
  69. making friends online
  70. permission
  71. feeling it all
  72. in praise of uselessness
  73. things that really improved my life last year
  74. expansion

2023 74

  1. what I learned this year
  2. the real world
  3. talking to Sasha Chapin about unconventional career paths and lessons in love
  4. december
  5. bookbear express gift guide 2023
  6. love and war
  7. the slow season
  8. repetition is tedious
  9. to be loved is to be changed
  10. protecting flow
  11. how to be productive if you're self-employed
  12. on being critical
  13. time and finitude
  14. Yoga
  15. through the years
  16. another year
  17. sunday recap
  18. you can't fake the core
  19. sunday recap
  20. back to school
  21. notes on serendipity
  22. inarticulable knowledge
  23. criticism/acceptance
  24. sticking it out
  25. megablob friend group
  26. over/under
  27. sunday recs: things I consume all the time
  28. in defense of being delusional
  29. uneven footing
  30. therapy as a way of aligning with your subconscious
  31. journeys
  32. course correction
  33. in another universe
  34. process
  35. containment
  36. how to avoid navel-gazing
  37. the right conversations
  38. friend groups
  39. Timing
  40. making and keeping friends
  41. making decisions
  42. nothing personal
  43. getting to yes
  44. knowing what I Iike
  45. different worlds
  46. “Love is friendship on hard mode”: an interview with Henrik Karlsson about his essay Looking for Alice
  47. animal joy
  48. Upside
  49. keeping things organized (even though you have ADHD)
  50. Pivots
  51. third person
  52. practical magic
  53. sea monkey
  54. patterns and progress
  55. dear bear: what do I do about my situationship?
  56. against disorder
  57. having fun
  58. terminal boredom
  59. loving imperfection
  60. listening
  61. Taste
  62. friction
  63. the organizing principle
  64. transfiguration
  65. everything I know about love
  66. seeking clarity
  67. fatalism
  68. competition and criticism
  69. the destiny neurosis
  70. west coast/east coast
  71. securely detached
  72. life on the internet
  73. 17 hot takes about dating
  74. double down on what you're good at

2022 73

  1. only for love (a 2022 retrospective)
  2. intensity / moderation
  3. intuition vs execution
  4. intimacies
  5. uncertainty
  6. the optimization drive
  7. not disappointing myself
  8. what changes and what doesn't
  9. ways of thinking about people
  10. alone in my mind
  11. existential kink
  12. stamina
  13. making beautiful things
  14. many lives
  15. Lucky
  16. Pacing
  17. qualities I like and don't like in people
  18. do what you love but have a contingency plan
  19. take the L
  20. no rules
  21. rejection (in)sensitivity
  22. two years
  23. responsibility
  24. love and (sex in the city)
  25. getting love right
  26. modern malaise
  27. understanding is rare
  28. my shadow
  29. closeness
  30. validation isn’t freedom
  31. is everything copy?
  32. love in the time of hyperfixation
  33. (in)complete understanding
  34. what we find in other people
  35. identity and its discontents
  36. be an asker
  37. no more life as story
  38. Safety
  39. newness vs familiarity
  40. unblocking
  41. consistency is proficiency
  42. emotional boundaries
  43. love notes
  44. the agony of eros: on limerence
  45. thoughts on envy + April recommendations
  46. maiden, mother, crone
  47. the agony of eros: dating
  48. original sin
  49. dreaming my own dream
  50. simplicity is difficult
  51. communication on all levels
  52. choosing awareness
  53. spell states
  54. release
  55. what makes me feel grounded
  56. how can we be the right kind of together?
  57. Dear Bear: I got everything I wanted, but I'm still unhappy
  58. how to have healthier relationships (?!)
  59. losing selves
  60. deep work
  61. Dear Bear: Will I ever be loved unconditionally?
  62. Dear Bear: I can't get over my ex
  63. Dear Bear: Why do I feel unlovable?
  64. resistance
  65. it's beautiful, I just don't always see it
  66. love and pain
  67. caring about what other people think
  68. recent thoughts
  69. the yin-yang theory of relationships
  70. do you think about it all the time?
  71. the girl the internet made me
  72. agency/satisfaction
  73. anti-advice + what I've been reading

2021 95

  1. three pieces of anti-advice
  2. the right thing for you will not feel wrong all the time
  3. a few ways in which time does not feel real lately
  4. a little note on movies
  5. 2021 in books
  6. keeping the momentum
  7. What are the best things you read this year?
  8. belief over time
  9. different selves
  10. fewer, better thoughts
  11. interest without motive is really hard to fake
  12. writing as autonomy
  13. life understood backwards
  14. on not knowing
  15. me and my fluffy little inconvenience: a love story
  16. is self-help bad?
  17. giving up control
  18. knowing myself
  19. seeing people
  20. saying it right
  21. one small thing
  22. attachments
  23. Needs
  24. the long slog
  25. taking care of yourself
  26. getting around on my own
  27. present perfect
  28. optionality kills
  29. feelings first
  30. eternal recurrence
  31. run your own race
  32. will you stay?
  33. what we consume and how it shapes us
  34. writing in public
  35. Knots
  36. who will I tell if I don't write it down?
  37. you weren't put on earth to be likable
  38. constant practice
  39. you have what you want
  40. the naked world
  41. resonance is intimacy
  42. then and now
  43. the opposite of nostalgia
  44. on and off
  45. slow weeks + what are you reading?
  46. we never learn
  47. accepting it all
  48. it never feels like the right time (+ week 3 check-in)
  49. we lose it all
  50. permitting intensity (+ week 2 check-in)
  51. on the cusp of summer
  52. WEEK 1: Tell me about your goals + what you want to make!
  53. commitment / accountability
  54. what I talk about when I talk about not thinking
  55. turning points
  56. subscriber thread: what are you reading?
  57. you like books and think they are your friends
  58. change, nostalgia, lightness
  59. subject, object: on girlhood
  60. writing as a distinct form of consciousness
  61. long feedback loops
  62. how to respect yourself just a little bit
  63. emptiness / narcissism
  64. moving to new york
  65. remembering that people aren’t problems to solve
  66. ava explains to you what bookbear express is
  67. how to avoid half-heartedness
  68. on cohesive identities and social signaling
  69. against narratives
  70. on being known
  71. on feeling safe
  72. on perfectionism
  73. on sticking with it
  74. on non-attachment
  75. on learning in public
  76. on hungry ghosts
  77. on doing what you love
  78. being on the internet
  79. on writing more
  80. on being asian
  81. specialness
  82. 10 depressing book recommendations for Valentine's Day
  83. Effort
  84. on shame
  85. how to lobotomize yourself
  86. commitment as a defense against the void
  87. Golden
  88. obsession
  89. on living in a fake world
  90. should I get these earrings & other questions about consumption
  91. Hi! What are you reading/watching this week?
  92. Why does everyone I know have ADHD? (Part 1)
  93. why self-help is (sometimes) good
  94. new year's resolutions
  95. Hi! What are you reading/watching during the holidays?

2020 17

  1. a few book recommendations
  2. What are you reading?
  3. What I read this week (Dec 15)
  4. routines, rituals, meaning
  5. What are you reading?
  6. on redoing things
  7. inconspicuous consumption
  8. Unease
  9. are words good enough?
  10. on not losing my nerve
  11. Rabbit redux
  12. on maintaining attention
  13. What's become of America's space dream?
  14. on trusting yourself
  15. green and gold
  16. wearing clothes
  17. desire + optimism

2019 3

  1. Ash is Purest White
  2. On inside jokes
  3. life inside my own context